Saturday, April 17, 2010

Poker Bloggers IN The Movies I

Welcome back friends. If you are an old visitor to this site and misclicked on my blog or even if you are new to the blogger scene and mistakenly found yourself on this site, I have something for you all!

As the start of a 5th edition of the BBT begins tomorrow, I thought you might like to know something about the people you are playing against.....most of them are VERY FAMOUS movie stars! Thats right! So read on poor misguided soul, and be amazed at the theatrical abilities of your peers!

(Not-so-legal disclaimer. All Blogger names are real, the movies not so much. Everything stated below is intended to be funny and a parody....i know its a stretch but try to imagine Im funny. But seriously if you do not want your blogger name used I will be happy to remove it. Submissions are welcomed and encouraged. Exception to this rule is Waffles....his name will be used with extreme predjudice...and mostly likely 98-99% of events are actually true. Also thanks go to Julius Goat.)

Gone With The Flop-Turn-River

Scene: Very Important Poker Tournament. Our two PLAYERS are heads up. Seat 3 (UTG+1) Unimpressed has just pushed all in with POCKET ACES on a raggy board that contains a THREE and an EIGHT. 1Queens Up1 has Unimpressed covered as 1Queens Up1 reveals he has snowman-tater legs...

Queens: Unimpressed, Unimpressed, Unimpressed if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

Unimpressed: Frankly Queens, I don't give a damn.

No Country For Fold Men - by Julius Goat

[poker tournament. Fuel, wearing a pageboy haircut, open shoves from the cutoff with 16bb. Julius Goat, sitting on a monster stack achieved only by calling with AJo and sucking out, tanks in the big blind. Fuel pulls out a quarter.]

Fuel: Call it.
Goat: I gotta know what I stand to win.
Fuel. Everything. You stand to win everything CALL IT.
Goat: Do you know how crazy you are?
Fuel: You're referring to the reality of the situation?
Goat: I'm referring to the reality of you.
Fuel: This coin got here the same way that I did. Call it.
[Julius Goat calls and shows Ace Jack offsuit. The flop is 555. Turn 5. River 5.]
Goat: Show your hand.
Fuel: You know what it is. [He pulls out a pneumatic cattle gun and blows a hole right in Goat's head.]
Fuel: You can't stop what's coming.

Close Encounters of the Trips Kind

Scene: TOC Final Table. Down to 2 PLAYERS, Matt Damon and Waffles. (Please note this is not Academy Award Winning for Good Will Hunting Matt Damon, instead this is puppet Matt Damon from Team America: World Police) The river has just been dealt and it is a JACK, which has paired the BOARD. Waffles who acts first BETS out. Matt Damon, with a pained experession, takes his time then begrudingly FOLDS....

Matt Damon: MATT DAMON? (subtitle: So, did you have it?)

Waffles: Is that it? Is that all your gonna ask me? Well I got a couple goddamn questions you know. I want to speak to someone in charge! I want to lodge a coplaint! You have no right to make people crazy! You think I investigate every Walter Cronkite story there is? Huh? If this is nerve gas, how come I know everthing in such detail? I've never been here before, how come I know so much? What the hell is going on here? Who are you people??

(crickets chirp)

Matt Damon: matt damon? (subtitle: nice hand?)